Cigarettes at breakfast: Lockdown and the apprehension of returning to real life

By Ione Finn

So I previously said how much I was enjoying lockdown, and do not get me wrong I still am but fuck me its difficult.

The thought of lockdown being lifted is literally crippling me with anxiety. 

I have gotten so used to this new way of life that even just the thought of going back to normality fills me with dread. 

What will I do when I can’t wake up casually at 10am and enjoy staying in bed until at least 12. Followed by a delightful breakfast and cigarettes. 

The days when time has no meaning. 

How on earth is anyone expected to just go back to normal, like nothing ever happened. 

I don’t really know how to write how I’ve been feeling without sounding like an absolute dick. 

Of course as with everyone there are good days and bad. At times it feels as though the bad outweigh the good. 

I miss my girls. 

God forbid they try and FaceTime me. It’s bizarre really. My girls are the most wonderful humans I have ever known. The people who are there for me no matter what, the girls who make me absolutely fucking howl, the ones who I can look back on times where we’ve behaved truly outrageously but it’s only hilarious.  But yet I still struggle to talk to them over some bullshit FaceTime or Houseparty. It just makes me feel awkward. And blimey it’s nothing to do with them, I don’t know what it is. It just doesn’t feel natural. 

Aside from that I miss my mum. 

This is the longest I have ever ever ever gone without seeing her. 

She makes me bloody crease  whenever I video call her ,because I only ever get to see her eyes. Don’t quite think she’s got the gist of it yet. 

She tells me most days about how she misses me, and it just makes me feel sad.

I wanna be there on that balcony, sipping champagne, and taking the piss out of her. 

I sent her a plant. Sounds ridiculous but I knew she’d appreciate. 

She opened the package and didn’t even see the note. She turned to my stepdad and straight away was like ‘THIS IS FROM IONE’ 

Soon after I got a video call. The awkward kind. 

But it was so wonderful seeing her so happy having received this parcel. 

I myself got a card the other day, completely out the blue. 

I didn’t even realise said friend knew my address. 

I opened the card and she talked about how she believed in me and how she couldn’t wait for a cocktail or two (with a highly embarrassing memory snuck in there too). And Jesus I was over the bloody moon. It made me feel so happy. Knowing that someone out there cares so much they just want to send you a card to tell you. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is the hardest time many of us have known, it’s so easy to get inside your own head and feel completely alone, but you aren’t.

You have people who love you, and people who you know will always be there for you. 

If there’s anything to take from this it’s that.

Photo by Marica Romeo on Unsplash

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